I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
