Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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