Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
