I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
