I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
