I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
