i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
