You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
