Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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