Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Drunk is not a location!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
