Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
