Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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