he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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