I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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