You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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