my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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