I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
