I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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