just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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