I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
