Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
