sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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