Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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