New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
