Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
