I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
