Pregnant stripper...not hot.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
