My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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