There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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