Tell her she can't have a vagina
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
