Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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