Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
