i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
either way he was missing a nipple.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
