i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
