Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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