So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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