He told me they were just razor bumps!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
