drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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