OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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