I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
