And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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