shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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