No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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