Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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