this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
