I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
