he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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