i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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