After last night, I could never be a politician.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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