Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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