So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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