i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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