its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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