I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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